Life

I have always enjoyed creative expression. But, lately I feel starved for it. I have been painting and making jewelery boxes and writing songs. And still it is not enough. I spend 10 plus hours a day at a computer feeling as if my life is slowly being sucked out of me. Feeling as though my will to live is evaporating. I am starved for creative expression. Starved for something more.

And yet I am also practical. I want to climb the corporate ladder. I want to actually be able to afford a new car one day. I want to be able to pay off my debt. And life costs money. I wish my life were a movie.  And I could become an instantly famous writer over night. Making my fortune through something I love. I wish I could paint and that the public would embrace my work and I could live off my creativity.

None of that is realistic. Instead I harbor small dreams. I dream that perhaps one day I will sell my art on the side. Have a little extra spending money, save towards my car that way, or  pay down my debt. Small dreams.  Baby steps towards small dreams. And yet I have never been known for my patience.

My first jewelery box is nearly done. It needs a few more coats of varnish and then it is done. And I already have ten more designs in mind.

I have created four paintings in a new style. And I have five more lined up for creation in my head. And I do not have enough time. Too much of my time is eaten up with work. Too much is eaten up with house work. I am paid to work 40 hours a week. I wish I were the type of person who could do that. Who could work only that amount. And say screw it if things did not get done because they have me overbooked. But unfinished work eats at me.

There is too much inside of me that is struggling to be  let out and not enough me to dedicate to it all.